I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
