No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
