Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
