I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
