Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
