I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
