Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
