I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
