I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
