We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
