Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
