I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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