Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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