I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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