She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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