with your own penis?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
