are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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