i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
