Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
