She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
