Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
