turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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