he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
