When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
