we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
