so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
