my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
