i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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