I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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