I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
