my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
