I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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