Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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