I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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