Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
