Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
