Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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