This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
