He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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