Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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