I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
