Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize