You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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