either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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