Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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