she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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