Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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