I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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