If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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