Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
