I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
