You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
