We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
