Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
