IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
