What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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