we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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